Is He Dead or Just a Jerk?

Now, ladies, isn’t it about time we give our men the benefit of the doubt? How about we try believing the best in them!

There’s got to be a purely rational reason for why he hasn’t responded to your very vulnerable message about the status of your relationship in 78 hours.

Don’t jump to conclusions. You don’t know what’s going on on his end. Have a little compassion, a little grace, huh? You’re always assuming the worst in men.

Maybe he dropped his phone in the toilet while a wildfire simultaneously shut down all internet connection in the town where he’s living, and he has no way of contacting you to let you know what’s going on. You know most properties don’t have landlines anymore.

The silence can’t possibly be because you told him you wanted to pursue a relationship. Maybe, just spitballing here, he went on a bike ride and crashed into a ravine, and the only thing getting him through the 127 hours style-shit show is the thought of your radiant face as he climbs over the ledge to civilization. I mean, that’s a pretty big compliment.

I mean, you gotta think about Ted Bundy too. Maybe he’s a serial killer, and he knew that if he saw you or spoke to you one more time, he’d have to kill you, so really, he’s the one doing you a favor. Feels pretty silly now, huh?

Honestly, he could have been beamed up by aliens a-la-Men in Black, and now he’s just an alien walking around in a human skin suit who has no recollection of you, and the real him is trapped in some weird plasmic space jar for all eternity thinking about you. Don’t you feel even a little bad?

Have you ever thought that he could be in a coma? Or dead? Why don’t you think about someone else other than yourself for a change?

It’s totally possible that the witch from Snow White is magically back because, hello, that’s 2020 for you, and cast a spell on him, and now he’s stuck in a coma waiting for you to find him and kiss him. You KNOW how much he likes apples.

Maybe he was driving to surprise you but on the highway saw a blind grandma trying to cross six lanes of traffic by herself, and he valiantly jumped out to block her from a moving car and passed away, and I bet his dying words were your name. He just hasn’t reached ghost status quite yet, so he can’t come back and tell you. You should be more patient.

Oh, wait, what was that? He just posted tacos on his Instagram story?

Yeah… OK. He’s just a jerk.